Pete Seeger

When I was 5 years old my parents enrolled me in tap dance lessons. My very first (and very last) dance recital was to this Pete Seeger song. I had a pretty amazing childhood.

Top 5 picks

You either love lists or you hate them. But when my friend @caitlinptov asked me to exchange our top 5 Movies, books, musical artist/group and TV shows I thought it was great fun. It's amazing what you learn about your friends when you break it down to the things we love. And you may even discover an artist or book that's new to you and find something new to put on your list of favourites.

So here is my Top 5 list.

Movies:

1) Casablanca (1942)

"Here's looking at you kid." This is the epitome of Hollywood drama and glamour. How could Rick give up the love of his life and save her new lover on top of it all? When there are spies and war to think about I guess you'll do anything. Also, never have I heard so many catchphrases in one place. "We'll always have Paris." *sigh*

2) Gone with the Wind (1939)

Rhett Butler is the original bad boy. Perhaps I'm a romantic at heart (I'd have to be with my movie choices) but I just thought that Rhett and Scarlett's relationship was the most complicated, destructive and most beautiful thing in movie history. There's also the civil war for you history buffs. 

3) Lost in Translation (2003)

Another amazing Hollywood relationship but this time its between Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansen…er, I mean their characters. This is my favourite scene - a bed scene with no sex - because they talk about how hard life really is and how beautiful that is at the same time. 

4) Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

If only we could erase those who hurt us from our past. Because it's amazing how much the people we love can hurt us. What I loved about this movie, besides its premise, was the dreamlike qualities it took on and the drug induced memories Joel has about his past. I also can't get enough of funny men in serious roles as you can see from Bill Murray, Jim Carrey and Will Farrell. 

5) Stranger Than Fiction (2006)

Harold Crick is an unassuming IRS agent who's life is calculated down to the last minute. Little does he know that he is the character of a novel and that his death is eminent. This doesn't work for Harold Crick because he's just found the love of his love. There are so many favourite scenes in this movie that it was difficult for me to pick just one. 

Books:

1) A Far Cry From Kensington by Muriel Spark 

Our heroine Mrs. Hawkins is a war-widow living in a rooming house in South Kensington working as an editor for a failing publishing house. Her fellow housemates are experiencing the negative ramifications of a stalker, someone that Mrs. Hawkins knows and detests but who can and will ruin her life. This was a book that inspired me to eventually (one day) work in the publishing industry despite its failing qualities even in the 1950s. I was also inspired by Mrs. Hawkins, a young 20-something year old who finds out that only she is in control of her life.

2) Cheese Monkeys by Chip Kidd 

A coming of age about an art student who enrols in a state university where his demanding (and possibly crazy) graphic design instructor challenges his very being let alone understanding of art. This novel is loosely based on the real life experiences of the author who studied at Penn State.

The book itself is a piece of art that you can only appreciate when you hold it in your hands. So go get a copy!

3) Portnoy's Complaint by Phillip Roth 

Believe it or not my parents got me this book to read when I was a teenager and it totally blew my mind that they would think of me as an adult because boy oh  boy are there some adult situations in this book. Let's just say there are certain scenes I will never get out of my head. Also Phillip Roth is a genius and this was my introduction to him. Holy crap.

“Do me a favor, my people, and stick your suffering heritage up your suffering ass_ I happen also to be a human being!” 
― Philip Roth, Portnoy's Complaint

4) Perfume: The Story of a Murderer by Patrick Suskind 

Never have I been more frightened then when I read this book. (I probably scare easy but this was intense.) At the same time as I was terrified of Jean-Baptiste I also felt sorry for him. He was a product of his environment and although he was a 'monster' could he really help it? The movie does not do this book justice. This was another recommendation from my parents. My folks are awesome.

“Odors have a power of persuasion stronger than that of words, appearances, emotions, or will. The persuasive power of an odor cannot be fended off, it enters into us like breath into our lungs, it fills us up, imbues us totally. There is no remedy for it.” 

5) Lost in Translation: A Life in a New Language by Eva Hoffman 

The classic immigrant tale of a young girl who leaves behind all that she knows for the land of opportunity. This book explores many different types of relationships the most important one being that which we have with language. This was one of the first diasporic stories I have read and it really struck a chord with me. Finally, there were other people just like me. 

“If all neurosis is a form of repression, then surely, the denial of suffering, and of helplessness, is also a form of neurosis. Surely, all our attempts to escape sorrow twist themselves into the specific, acrid pain of self-suppression. And if that is so, then a culture that insists on cheerfulness and staying in control is a culture that—in one of those ironies that prevails in the unruly realm of the inner life—propagates its own kind of pain.
“Perhaps perversely, I sometimes wish for that older kind of suffering—the capacity and the time for a patient listening to the winds of love and hate that can blow you like a reed, for that long descent into yourself in which you touch bottom and recognize the poor, two-forked creature that we all are.”

Musical artists/groups:

1) Basia Bulat

2) Loudon Wainwright III

3) Leonard Cohen

4) Gogol Bordello

5) Czesław Niemen

TV Shows:

Book lovers...

I've worked at some of Toronto's finest bookstore: Chapters, Pages (of Queen West), U of T Bookstore. And no matter where I have worked I always get the same couple of questions. The following answers are how I wished I could have replied.

1) Have you read this? (Pointing to a random book.)

Me: No, I have not read every book in this store. I have probably read more than you but there is only so much time in the day.

1a) Why haven't you read this book, I thought you worked in a bookstore?

Me: Because when I work at the bookstore I'm not allowed to read on the job. All the other times I am probably reading but again, there is only so much time.

2) I'm looking for a book….

Me: Great! Well, you have come to the right place! Because we are fresh out of bananas. Now, can you give me a little more? A title, author, genre, anything?! At Chapters we had a table with only red books on it because so many people would come in with no other defining information other than the book being red.

3) Where's your non-fiction section?

Me: See the wall of fiction? Now, see everything else? The everything-else is our non-fiction section. Be more specific.

4) What's a good book?

Me: What I find "good" and what you like may not necessarily mesh. What kind of books do you like? Fiction, graphic novels, the dreaded non-fiction: self-help books, biographies, business books, cultural studies, the list is endless.

5) (after giving endless recommendations, discussing 'good' books, comparing notes) Thanks I think I'll just go home and order this online. Bye.

Me: (exploding) Why?!

So the next time you have a question at a bookstore please be kind. And please support your local indie bookstores.

For more hilarious customer questions/comments at a bookstore make sure to check out the book, Weird things Customers Say in Bookshops by Jen Campbell. Also make sure to check out her tumblr where she adds new and exciting things customers do in bookshops on a regular basis.

Identity Crisis

“You don’t look Polish,” a family friend once told me. And before I knew how to respond I was thinking to myself – “Is what I look like who I am?”

I am a few inches above 5 feet, solidly built (aka fat), with blonde hair and blue eyes. I forgot to mention, I’m female. I’ve worn glasses since high school when I realized that the blurriness around me was not my way of disengaging with the world. I like to read but I also watch an unhealthy amount of television shows. I’m sure that neither one of those things helps with my vision. When I was 5 years old my parents took me and left Poland altogether. We lived with my grandmother in California where the sunshine made my hair lighter and my temperament brighter. After awhile we settled as a family of four (my brother the American) in Toronto, Canada. In Toronto I discovered that I wasn’t different enough, I blended in too well. But I too was an immigrant.

And so my identity has never been easy to pin point. Am I Canadian? Sure. Am I Polish? Depends on who you ask. Am I an American? Hell, no! Perhaps like my father I am a citizen of the world. Whatever that means?

I’ve heard that you can be whatever you want to be and that you should never let people define you. But it’s easier said then done when those around you seem to be the experts on these things.

What I look like and how I feel don’t exactly go hand in hand. Take for instance my self proclaimed fatness. I know this comes from an age old insecurity and a need to love myself through food. But some days I feel like I could weigh a thousand pounds and that no one could possibly love me for who I am on the inside. (What a cliché!) But there I go again, caring what other people think about me. Those so-called experts! There are people who are fatter than me, of course. And if I really think about where I get the idea of me being too fat I start thinking about advertising and subliminal messaging through media. Maybe in a way I start making excuses. What does it mean to be fat in western culture? It’s a sort of failure, but what then is success?

When I first became aware of transgendered people I had a real identity crisis. I never knew there was an option in terms of your gender?! This blew my mind. Not to say that I’m thinking of changing genders. But my body has never really felt my own and this ‘getting comfortable with who I really am’ was what I thought growing up was meant to do. But there were people out there who were redefining the very essence of their beings. I was truly impressed by their conviction and 100% knowledge of the fact that they knew who they were really meant to be. I don’t think changing my gender would work for me even if I’m not fully comfortable in my female body all the time – I’ve learned to make do with it.

Is “making do” a form of acceptance or defeat? I know I’ll never be tall or skinny even if I did go on some sort of health kick. But I’m ok with my shortness – I like it when people have to strain their necks to have to talk to me. And to some extent I’m ok with the fact that I don’t fit into a size 0 which I have always thought was a ridiculous size to be. A size nothing? I also like challenging pre-conceived notions of what a female should be. Sometimes I find it hard to stick out and go against the grain but that’s part of the fun.

So I can get over the physical parts of who I am and who I should be. But for some reason, what I am on the inside gives me a harder time. Defining my identity and making sure I don’t fall into the hyphenated melting pot of immigration has always been something that interested me greatly. I love to read diasporic literature or the immigrant tale. I’ve always related very well to the self-deprecating Jew even if I myself am not Jewish. And yes, I'm aware that Poles are suppose to be anti-Semites but stereotypes don't always run across the board. 

So maybe looking Polish is a bigger problem for me then I expected. Because it would mean that even though I don’t feel like a true Pole on the inside that at least I was fooling some people on the outside. And I’m not. I’m only fooling myself.

Happy New Year!

For me, the New Year always felt more applicable to the start of each school year. New outfits, books, pens, etc. But not having been in school for a few years I suppose my New Year must commence on January 1st like the rest of the world. And like everyone else, I made some resolutions even though I am not so great at keeping them. So, rather then trying to change everything about myself (diet, exercise) I'm going to attempt to change the things around me.

That's where The January Cure comes in. The folks at Apartment Therapy have put together a plan to help their readers. They "believe that when your home is under control, fresh, clean and organized, good things happen throughout your life." And I couldn't agree more. Those who follow the rules of Feng Shui say that a cluttered home leads to a cluttered mind. 

The first thing to do was make a project list. I walked around the apartment and tried to be critical yet constructive about all the things I saw that needed fixing. And because I could go on forever, I could only list 3-4 things per room and only take about an hour to notice it all. Here's my list:

Kitchen

• wash walls/floor boards
• declutter "dump areas"
• clean oven

Hallway

• wash walls/floor boards
• declutter bags to be recycled or donated

Bedroom

• sort boxes
• build CD/DVD tower and store media
• vacuum under bed

Living Room

• Couch/TV area needs to be better organized
• clean scuff marks off floor
• wash curtains/window

Bathroom

• fix toilet paper dispenser
• under sink clean out

I realized that I could take care a lot of these bullet points by just getting dirty and employing some elbow grease. For some reason my floor boards are filthy and a quick vacuum or wipe down won't do. And since it's a problem in most rooms I can just get 'er done and feel like I've accomplished so much. 

But before I get ahead of myself, the first weekend of The January Cure was to to get flowers, do the floors and get stocked up on green cleaners. Getting flowers during a cold spell in January is tougher then I thought but I understand the appeal and need to brighten things up. Tackling the floors also helps establish a starting point. And each day there is a new assignment but I like the fact that they allow you to catch up if you've missed something or give you time to reflect.

Yesterday's assignment was to Get a Fresh Perspective in Just 10 Minutes!! I sat in my living room by the couch and TV and noticed all the little odds and ends we keep displayed. Perhaps I need to add a display case to my Project List? At least it would help with the overall problem of clutter. 

To be continued… 

This is hard for me to write but after the death of a family member I’ve decided it's something I need to think hard about. Mental health affects us all in different ways and its not something that we always talk about. It’s so easy to say you’re just going through a rough time or having a bad day. It can be difficult asking for help but it can be even harder admitting you have a problem.

I’ve suffered from depression probably my whole life. Sure, I had a turbulent childhood changing schools, moving countries, constantly making new friends.  But I never had anything truly bad happen to me. My parents have always been loving, supportive and as I’ve grown older they have become my friends and allies. So what do I have to complain about really? Well, that’s where depression can get a little tricky. It can happen to anyone and even those that may appear to be “happy” on the outside may be struggling on the inside.

There are days, bad ones, where I can’t even imagine myself getting out of bed. The simplest things like getting dressed are the equivalent to running a marathon – exhausting. But I somehow manage to do it and get through the day, hoping that the next day will prove to be easier. For me there are certain things I can do to help with my moods, such as talking to my Mom or exercising with my favorite Burlesque Star/trainer. It’s important to have role models in life, especially if they aren’t perfect themselves (because no one is perfect). I think to myself, “if they can do it I can try too.”

Some of the most important things I’ve learned while dealing with this dark cloud of mine is that I can always ask for help even though it feels like the most difficult and embarrassing thing in the world. It’s more than just acceptance it’s calling the monster out of the darkness. And I’ve had some mixed reactions from friends telling me, “there’s no way you’re depressed!” or “what do you have to be so sad about?” but the explanation isn’t as straight forward as they might think. I still don’t understand it myself, but I’m trying. And I’m trying to get help and not feel so debilitated.

Christmas-time can be a hard time for a lot of people and especially those dealing with mental health issues. I don’t have any wise words or secret remedies but I do believe in the power of talking. Not everyone will understand, care or even know what the hell to do for you. But if you can start a conversation I think that’s the first step.  So whether you need someone to talk to or notice that your friend or family member seems a little “off” take the moment and start talking. Even if you don’t know what to say. Tell them you’ll listen.

Christmas and family time.

Embracing one’s cultural background can be difficult at times. For me, I’ve always grappled with the question of what it really means to be Polish. Does this involve a high caloric intake of pierogies, kielbasa and copious amounts of vodka? (Of course not!) But apart from a country’s cuisine what cultural clues make you who you are?

The holidays can be an important time to embrace one’s traditions and remember what your family has gone through to get to where you are today. My grandmother, who has Alzheimer’s, obviously struggles with what she does and does not remember. But ask her to tell you a story about when she was young at Christmas time and her eyes light up and its as if it were only yesterday. My mother also likes to tell me stories about her childhood Christmases. I've never understood why you would have carps swimming in the bathtub waiting to be prepped for Christmas Eve dinner but apparently its a Polish thing. There are cultural lessons to be learned here but also a family tradition to be passed down. No two Polish-Canadian families may be alike but we all share a holy wafer before the Christmas Eve dinner. And even if we may not have a carp swimming in our bathtub there are lots of Polish and Canadian delicacies waiting to be consumed.

Who you are is more than just where your family came from. But whether we like to admit it or not, our family has a huge role in shaping us and making us the people we are today. It’s easy to frown at the bad jokes made after one too many drinks with Christmas dinner but its more interesting to look beyond those jokes and remember your family’s story. The Canadian-Story especially is one of immigration and old family traditions. Ask to hear some of these stories around the Christmas tree this year. People love talking about themselves and who knows, you might learn something amazing about your family and yourself.